A great costume idea for this Halloween: SPIDERMAN. I know it may seem played out and childish, but what better costume to justify this behavior when dealing with the drunk slut you take home after the parties: "a sexual act called "The Spiderman" which translates as 'pulling out just before the vinegar strokes, chucking your fat into your hand, then flinging it in the girls face whilst triumphantly shouting "Go web go!"' [from the b3ta newsletter]
Anyone who successfully executes such a move must - I repeat, MUST - write to me [lindsey@immoderation.com] and tell me about it. Not to be perverted (ahem), but I'm going to have to hear about some kind of action seeing as how I'll be sitting alone at home eating a pint of ice cream and watching Love Actually this weekend. Please, I need a laugh and a fantasy.
Give me a smile on my face and a gleam in my eye. Not too much to ask.
Normally I would take this opportunity to put up a nice mix of songs for Five for Friday, but seeing as how the witching season is upon us, I've decided to go through some letters (published in 5 different posts throughout this lovely day) I've gotten asking for Halloween Costumes. What can I say? I'm a giver. Ask anyone.
Our first letter comes from a reader from my 'hood - Los Angeles. She writes: Dear Lindsey, I'm really torn on my Halloween costume this year. One one hand I want it to be fasionable and highlight my beautiful boobs bones. And on the other hand, I want to mock this whorebitch I've been fighting with for the past few months. Do you have any ideas? Your #1 fan always and forever, Ricole Nichie
Boy, oh boy - do I have the costume for you! I've spent the entire commercial break of Reunion dreaming up this little beaut, and I'm sure you'll be pleasantly suprised!
What You'll Need: 1 large model of the eiffel tower (NOT life size, just about as large as your body) 2 (two) legs off of a mannequin
What To Do: Attach legs to the bottom of the eiffel tower. Turn it upside down and slip into it like a dress (I'm assuming your thin enough, if not, STOP EATING NOW).
What it should look like: SASSY!!!
Optional: Throw in some green paint to add some effect!
WHAT YOU ARE: Tell people you are going as every man's penis. Ever.
Alternative costume for those that don't have the time
Good luck my friend!
More to come as the day progresses. This may possibly even go into the night as I have no plans (or friends) thanks to that little "going missing incident". Whatever, they're all just jealous they weren't invited.
What's more ghetto: The Hot Wheels trikes that I used to drive around, or the new Escalade Power Wheels? Sadly, this one is too close to call.
First Barbie tries to tell women that they can actually become president, now we're breeding revolutionaries? Listen to me people: STOP LYING TO YOUR CHILDREN. THEY WILL NOT CHANGE THE FUTURE. Sure the truth hurts now, but at least you won't have to pay the years of therapy for your kids because they never lived up to your crazy female president or iconic revolutionary dreams.
Not entirely sure if anyone knew this one was coming, but nonetheless: I, Lindsey Murray, was officially reported to the authorities as a missing person this past weekend. And not even by one of my (angry, yet hopeless) readers. I'm not pretending to know why my shoes and purse were found at the bottom of a grate in San Diego. I'm not going to justify the cuts all over my body and face by blaming the city council for allowing uneven (and consequently EXTREMELY unsafe) sidewalks to remain unattended in PB. But I will not - I REPEAT - I will not stand for it when someone calls my old University, my family, and the police when they CLEARLY are aware of the fact that I was trying to break into their apartment, mistaking it for someone else's. That's just out of control and an obvious attempt to ruin my life. Does he realize how many people are now completely pissed at me for "disappearing"? A LOT. Apparently he doesn't know just who I am. He better be ready to bring it, because as far as I'm concern it's already broughten, bub.
I'm going to keep this brief because I have spent all weekend sitting here writing enough posts to update this site everyday from now on. I MISSED IT MORE THAN I MISS BURRITOS! I don't know if any of you have had the near-orgasmic pleasure of watching Filthy Rich: Cattle Drive on E! lately, but please - if you have any desire to feel better about yourself as a person, tune into this show. It is obvious within the first 2 minutes of viewing who the shining star of the series is - Fabian Basabe. Now, I'm not normally one to pass any type of moral judgement on others (as I lack any trace of morals myself), but he is hands down the most vile, contemptable human being (and I use that phrase loosely) I have ever had the misfortune of observing. I can literally feel my blood pressure rising anytime this sorry excuse for a man opens his mouth. I was just curious to know whether or not he has issued a public apology yet for his behavior? He and his entire family should be deeply ashamed. And seeing as how he "has diplomatic immunity" (I learned this as he was SCREAMING it to the cowboys on the show for making him do the dishes), and how he finds it completely appropriate to dial 911 when someone is alluding to the fact that they might throw water on him, I anxiously await a letter from his lawyers. He talks about them so much, I feel like I know them already! Back to being funny and charming tomorrow, I promise this time.
Ps. Was anyone else completely shocked to learn that Kate Moss does coke? Talk about a jaw-dropper! Woo-ee! Move over, Watergate!
Yeah, so I've been gone for almost a month. I was waiting on my roof for about 2 weeks for a damn helicopter to come get my ass, but apparently the copter-taxi is only a regional perk. Regardless, THEY SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME IT WAS REGIONAL. How was I supposed to know? It's not like they were telling me on the news WAY AHEAD of time that I should get off of my fucking roof. Clearly this is the government's fault. And it follows that because the federal government (state and local are obviously free of the blame) didn't carry me out of here, that they are discriminating against me. From these facts, we can conclude that George Bush hates me. Therefore, I am black.
Anyway, after sifting through hundreds of threats (seriously guys?) detailing things that would happen to me if I don't update, I have made the executive decision to crawl back off my roof and return in a glorious haze of alcohol and expensive perfume to your lives.
St. Maarten vaca checklist - missed returning flight, causing us to get stranded an extra 2 days - check - jetskiing - check - snorkeling off 3 different islands - check - kayaking - check - renting a car that made the one in Just Married look like a Caddy - check - taking full advantage of the cheap alcohol on the island ($6 for a fifth of absolut!) - check - massages and body scrubs - check - clubbing for 3 nights, all in VIP and spending about $1500 on alcohol in the process - check - getting a killer tan - check - getting my beautiful red hair bleached to blonde :( - check - accidentally wandering onto a nude beach and witnessing the elderly and overweight French vacationers in all their glory - check - teaching New Yorkers the fabulousness of speed quarters in a bar - check - getting so ridiculously wasted that I peed the bed not once, but TWICE - yeah, check - and one of those times you weren't even able to get out of your dress before passing out and pissing - check please - causing permanent damage to my liver, my eyes, and my bank account - check
Yep, I had a great time. Pics and the return of the site to come today! YAY!
well I forgot to send the invites to join the site, and since I'm on the way to the airport right now I guess you're all SOL. Sincerest apologies, I was too busy sunglass shopping and getting a pedicure. Priorities. So I guess y'all will have to wait for an entire week for my glorious return. On a donkey. Bring your palms. In the meantime, think of me frolicking, probably drunkenly, around the carribean. Clothing optional. Miss you! KISSES! -Linds
Today's contenders are a seemingly odd pairing, however with eah artists' new "makeover", they are suprisingly (and sadly) not as different as we once thought. The Backstreet Boys' "Just Want You To Know" vs. Tommy Lee's "Good Times"
Let's start out by judging each candidate by the least important aspects of pop songs and move our way up to the most important, NINE categories, because that just seems logical right now.
Lyrics Backstreet Boys' choice cut: All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead/ And deep inside I wish it's me instead/ My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away
Tommy Lee's choice cut: Its lookin like we’re getting there Over here, comin clear/ Place that has no rhymes, or times, or crimes/ Just good time/ Just good times
Backstreet wins this round, simply because I feel that Tommy is kind of hypocitical -he wants to go to a place with no rhymes by describing it with an overabundance of rhymes. Pick one and go with it, Tommy. +1BSB
Rockability Backstreet Boys: Here we have Kevin rocking out
Tommy Lee: And here we have Tommy rocking out
Backstreet Boys again. I learned long ago from AIM smileys that sunglasses = cool. +1BSB
People paid to act like they're your friends Backstreet Boys: Group hug!
Tommy Lee: Bustin out the OC flava with a beach bonfire.
Tommy FINALLY scores with this round. Nobody wins when Howie D is one of your friends. +1TommyLee
Driving skills Backstreet Boys: Kevin driving his bitches around
Tommy Lee: Tommy driving his bitches around
Due to the Howie D factor (he's in the backseat), Tommy wins again. +1TommyLee
Prerequisite music video WTF Moment #1 Backstreet Boys: Stop trying to be funny
Tommy Lee: Stop trying to channel Sugar Ray's "Fly"
Both awful, but BSB is the lesser of the two evils. Suits in pools are just ridiculous and uncalled for. +1BSB
Looking "natural and realistic" Backstreet Boys: Nick as douchebag with mullet:
Tommy Lee: Different suit, different body of water, surfing:
Do I even need to say it? +1BSB
Video Concept Backstreet Boys: Confirming their love for Sphincter, the mulleted (because mullets are cool to talk about now, right guys? Right) Backstreet Boys go to a concert, tailgate outside, and attend a concert where, in a crazy, c-razy plot twist, they are ALSO playing the members of the band! Amazing.
Tommy Lee: Tommy drives around in a POS, picks up more hot rock chicks than even he can shake his stick at, and goes to a bonfire. On the way he apparently gets distracted and goes into a pool fully clothed, then goes surfing in a storm fully clothed. Livin on the edge.
I'm giving points to BSB, simply because the video is so entertaining that you barely even notice the song. There goal was clearly achieved. +1BSB
Hotties in skimpy clothes Backstreet Boys: Kevin big HUGE pimpin
Tommy Lee: Tommy big pimpin
Duh. +1BSB
Makeover Quality as recorded on the Garth Brooks - Chris Gaines transformation scale Backstreet Boys:
Tommy Lee:
Tommy's new softer side is such a downgrade it's not even as laughable as Chris Gaines, it's just disappointing. +1BSB
Totals: Backstreet Boys: 7 Tommy Lee: 2
Conclusion: Backstreet may still not be "back" (alright!), but their homage to the 80's is a hell of a lot better than Tommy's easy listening. Honestly, is my mom his new target audience? it may work. But you and I both know that Mr. Lee is capable of making MUCH better videos. Much.
HEY GUYS! I live in LA, you live in LA. Coincidence? More like CLEAR MESSAGE FROM THE GODS. Call me.
My apologies for not writing yet today, I've been too busy obsessing over Seth and Austen from VH1's series Kept. Random, I know, but guess what? They blog. Oh yeah, you heard that right. Bloggers. Here is Seth's blog. Here is Austen's blog. All during the show, I favored Seth, but now I'm not sure that he's the better of the two for me. I'm starting to feel like Austen is really my destiny. I'm so torn. On one hand I admire Seth's party skills, and on the other hand I'm drawn to Austen's intelligence and mad writing talent. I'm going to stay up all night stressing about this.
Jerry Hall was right, she really does lead the hardest life. Poor thing.
